I have been very thankful for the surge in 'likes' for the Boo & Mummy page in recent days. What a start to the new year! I’m afraid I haven't written a blog post for a while due to the following:
· General festive merriment
· Spending time with family and friends
· A multitude of winter viruses
With so many new followers I wanted my first blog of 2017 to be a good one, a thoughtful one, a meaningful one and I've been pondering the subject I should focus on for some weeks. I began thinking about why I started Boo & Mummy, and how much has changed in my life in the last nine months, and how on earth I have got through it all. Then it came to me: 'Mummy Friends'.
Through life, I have been incredibly lucky to meet some amazing people. I have a wonderful circle of friends who I am honoured to know and to have shared so much with: School, work, traveling, university, teaching, performing, moving house, a wedding and having a baby. I have the most fabulously eclectic collection of people surrounding me and supporting me every day who have been a part of so much. On my wedding day, one of my favourite moments was when I sat at the top table during the wedding breakfast, paused to take a breath, looked around and thought 'wow', all these people are here because they love us and we are truly special to them, it doesn't get more real than that!
Like every relationship, even friendships take work. Keeping in touch and up to date is an ongoing task and one it is important to make time for in our current fast paced society. The ease of social media can be a blessing and a curse. A quick message every now and again, a picture to keep you in the loop, a video, it's all there at our fingertips. Sometimes it really is true that life just gets in the way. The demands of work, family, relationships, children, sometimes it really is hard to fit everything in and keep on top of being a 'good friend'. But sometimes social media can be used in a way which makes people think they are 'excused' from staying in touch regularly, the thinking that Facebook and Instagram are substitutes for conversations and face to face catch ups is one that brings me great sadness... But that's another blog all together!
When I was pregnant I was worried about my friendships, old ones and ones I was yet to find. Although I feel incredibly blessed, I have no friends near to where I live. Having moved to Winchester in 2010, my husband and I have spent 7 years commuting to work in Newbury and Bournemouth respectively, which has left us very little time to build a life in Winchester. So I was faced with a worrying question. 'How do you find mummy friends?' How do you make new friends at this stage in life? When was the last time I had to 'make friends' and actually, how often are you in a situation where you feel you absolutely have to make new friends?
I was faced with the decision, to NCT or not.... In the end it was decided for me as the local NCT classes clashed with my working hours, so antenatal classes at the hospital it was. So picture this... 7 and a half months pregnant, following a 11 hour day at work, hungry, tired and uncomfortable and you arrive at the hospital knowing that you're supposed to be making a friend or two, oh and maybe picking up a few hints and tips about this giving birth malarkey. How is that possible? Luckily the classes we attended focused on the Dad's understanding the process and procedures, phew! I actually remembered very little of what was said in those classes, I was focused on the tea and biscuit break... When we walked into the room for the first session there were five different tables, cue immediate anxiety... Where to sit? Will where I sit will determine whether I make friends or not.. Argh.. The pressure! Good job I believe in fate... The class starts, no one talks, no one responds, the two other couples on our table smile just as nervously as we probably do, then the Dad's take over... One cracks a joke about 'oxytocin' and we are away! When your husband is used to demonstrate the size of your cervix by holding a dairylea tub in his nether regions in front of a room full of strangers, it's more than just a talking point... Cue stifled giggles from everyone on our table, silence from the rest of the room... We knew we were sat in the right place... Two couples, four new friends, success!!
The weeks that followed brought numerous anxieties, babies arrived, we waited and waited, and then finally our beautiful Boo arrived! Tired was an understatement, physically and emotionally exhausted, sleep deprived, thrown into a new lifestyle, trying to figure it all out, then it continues... Finding more mummy friends. I had two great ones, there must be more wonderful mummies in Winchester and in this state, feeling so far removed from their 'normal' self but knowing they had to try and get out there, meet new people and make a good impression... What?! That seemed like effort way beyond my capabilities in those early weeks but I knew it was important. I knew I needed to find my people.
First stop was the New Parent group at Lantern's Children's Centre. A room full of anxious first time mothers, all looking round wondering how everyone else is sat there looking like they have it all 'together' and wondering what their secret is. Hoping no one says they have a dream baby, or that their baby sleeps through the night already, or that they are already back in their pre-pregnancy jeans, while hoping you aren't going to let on how you are really feeling in a room full of strangers but wondering if actually, you should. What a time! What a place! And you are searching around the room looking for clues, listening to comments, trying to work out who is going to be a good 'friend'. Then it happens, you talk, you laugh, you confide, you swap numbers and you are on your way! But it's not been easy, maybe it's taken a few weeks, and you hope you haven't pushed yourself onto anyone, and you really hope you've found someone you could imagine yourself being friends with even if you didn't have babies... That's important to me. I need to talk about more than babies!
Then you branch out, because you have to, there is more to do, more to enjoy. But where to start? Baby Sensory, Sing and Sign, Music with Mummy, Swimming Lessons, Baby Yoga, Tea Dates, where do you begin?? You can't do it all, it'll cost a fortune, and you need to save some time for rest (ha!). You want to stick with the new mummies you've found, do what they are doing, safety in numbers, make sure you don't have to meet new people continually and start all over again in every class. But then you discover the great thing about Winchester.... It really is quite small. You will meet people at different groups, wave to them across the room at Rhyme Time, bump into them at the weighing clinic, and before you know it you won't be able to walk down the high street without exchanging a smile with another mummy and baby - even if you can't be totally sure of their name at that exact point in time - and you gradually realise what you are now a part of.
Then come the WhatsApp groups, the Facebook groups, the social media frenzy of support and questions. It's maddening and magical all at once. You need them, they need you, you might know something they don't and visa versa. In those early days you can pick up bits and pieces of information from everywhere and it is so important to share it, to help with the worries and concerns, you are all going through it at exactly the same time. Do not underestimate the importance of that. Recently, a close friend of mine had a baby, she is 6 months younger than Boo, and one day she innocently asked me when Boo first smiled. I was surprised to discover I couldn't instantly remember. Oh gosh! What sort of mother was I?! At the time it was incredible, one of those treasured moments, she was now 7 months old and we had bypassed so many other milestones, rolling over, first tooth, crawling, weaning... Every one of them important, and yet the stages had passed by so quickly, there was so much to remember!
Throughout the last 9 months there has never been any competition, no one is made to feel their baby is more advanced or lagging behind, there is a mutual respect that the babies are all slightly different, but the support and advice from the immediate new 'Mummy Friend' network is invaluable. What helped when they were teething? What bedtime routine had you tried? Had you moved on to the fast flow bottle teets? What size nappies are you using? What different brand nappies have you tried? A whole community of knowledge, a whole group of people making it up as they go along and seeking confirmation from one another that they are doing ok.
All this time, you are still working hard on your existing friendships, they are still there. No doubt there are a wide range of friends you are trying to be sensitive too. Friends about to have babies, friends who want babies more than anything, friends who don't want babies, friends who can't have babies, friends who want to have babies-but not just yet, friends with children, friends with teenagers, the list goes on! You're sending them pictures, telling them stories, relaying all the wonderful achievements and happy times and reassuring yourself that you are still being a good friend, even with everything that's going on, and being mindful of their situation. After all, they might love and adore your new little person, but they don't all want pictures of explosive poo's to check whether they are considered to be 'normal' or distressed messages about teething remedies at 3am, or to know what sleep deprivation truly does to a person... Even the friends with children, they are past those phases and on to new ones... They aren't likely to remember how many ounces of milk your three month old should be having every 24 hours, or when they are supposed to start teething. You need mummy friends, as well as your old friends. You need them all in different ways.
But how on earth do you fit more people in? With geography being a factor, we have always had to work extra hard. We travel, we plan, we organise, we see as many people as we can and we didn't want Boo to change that too much, we were looking forward to her being a part of it. But the reality is, we've enjoyed having the time to finally focus on our life in Winchester, to make friends, find out more and more about where we live and invite our existing friends to be a part of it. The more I have researched the more I have realised how lucky I am to be raising a child in this city, to be spending my maternity leave enjoying everything it has to offer and to be enjoying something new every day.
My old friends know so much about me, what I've been through, my struggles, my ups and downs, relationships, friendships, achievements, milestones, the happy times and sad, and importantly, who I was before I had Boo. The hard working, dedicated teacher, who committed hours and hours to my job, my students, my career, and who had dedicated 10 years to a profession I loved. My new 'Mummy Friends' may never know this version of me, I am a different version of me now, I am a Mummy. It too is hard work, takes commitment and dedication, hours and hours of invested time and the rewards are endless.
To all my friends, old and new, I couldn't do any of it without you (even the ones who emigrated to Australia...😉) Friends with babies, without babies, with children young and old, you all enrich my life and Boo & Mummy are lucky to be sharing this adventure with you.
To all the new mummies...go out and find your 'Mummy Friends' go and find your people!!
